Intimacy
From a feminine perspective
Intimacy is the first step in the teaching of tantra. Tantra is a way of life – not a way of sex, as many might think. It is definitely a part of it, but not all there is to it. It’s much bigger in its existence than that. Tantra is a way of life, a way of being both with oneself and with another or others. But this article is not about tantra, it’s about intimacy. Intimacy is, like with tantra, not only about sex, but a part of it. Without intimacy we are superficial and closed off. When we are superficial and closed off, we are alone in our world. Once we open up and allow for others to see into us (into me see = intimacy), we become close. Many of us can view this as a dangerous act, and in the beginning, we can’t help but feel this as well, but what we are actually feeling is vulnerability. Which leads me to the next step, TRUST.
Trust & Knowing
Without trust we can’t be intimate with anyone. Trust is paramount when opening up and allowing someone into our closest parts of our private sphere. Trust is a feeling of being safe and secure with someone, maybe even protected by that person. The feeling that whatever happens, this person has our back. It is the deep inner knowing that this person is someone that we can rely upon and count on. If this is fulfilled, we know this person very well. If there is no knowing, we wouldn’t know if we could trust the person or not, so the knowing is built as we build trust.
To be in a relationship with someone, whether that being a partner in love, a family member or a friend, the relationship demands these concepts to be present; trust and knowing.
Respect is also a big one. But usually that comes with knowing that we can trust someone, we will find that within them that we respect as well.
When these factors are present, it does become easier to open up and become intimate, however, there can be no knowing and no trust if we haven’t allowed ourselves the intimacy with the other. Just to make sure that this doesn’t get too complex, here is a little helper: COURAGE. It takes courage to get to know someone but particularly to let the other person get to know us. It takes little steps at a time. So, the next step is TIME. We can’t know or trust anyone over night. Even if we have a soul-feeling or something like that, it will still feel rather superficial without the time to really feel it deep inside and for it to become a steady part of our conscious awareness.
In short, we can’t force intimacy! So don’t be too hard on yourself when it doesn’t come as easily as you would have liked for it to.
Intimacy takes courage and time, which equals endurance, growth, expansion, development and an overall EFFORT from each of the individuals in the relationship.
The beauty of it, is that the effort we put in will make us grow as individuals, and we can’t do it without each other. We are mirrors to each other and others the reflection of ourselves all the time. If we are lucky, we might grow together but in other cases, it might just mean that we also could grow apart. Because one thing is for certain, we will get to know deeper depths of ourselves in any relationship, and sometimes we come to an understanding, where, what we thought was a match, really isn’t. But hey, that’s ok. It’s much better to have tried and grown with the effort than not at all.
Oh, the fear…
That leads me right back to the fear that we are feeling these days. The fear of intimacy, the fear of being seen, heard, and felt as who we truly are, our authentic self. The fear that if we show our true colors we will be denied, rejected or abandoned. However, if we haven’t allowed anyone to see us for who and what we really are on the inside, we were the very first ones to deny, reject and abandon ourselves. Have you ever thought of that?
It is in the very moment, when we feel the fear the most that we are called to express it and why it occurs. BUT we can’t do that without the knowing, the trust, the respect, and the love, in whatever capacity. So, we open up gradually, step by step, little by little, the more we know one another and thus trust one another. And if we get to know and learn that we don’t trust, is the time to call it quits and get away from that person. If trust isn’t a part of the equation, it would be emotional suicide to even try to grow intimate with that person. Leave and look for trust elsewhere. Other times, the person we have invited in will stay and the relationship will grow in depth and intimacy - A beautiful and powerful journey into oneness with the other.
Time is of the essence. Taking the time to get to know each other and the time that makes us have a past with that person. With each minute we spent together we grow in intimacy. With each minute in each other’s company, we know more, trust more, respect more, love more and intimacy grows with each encounter. But to even enter into a space where this can occur, we are back to COURAGE.
My advice is to first become intimate with yourself. Get to know who you are, what you are, what you want in life and with whom. The who will become completely apparent when you have learned about your own values, needs, and wants. Suddenly, you will be a strong magnet for the right person or the right people to enter your life. When we trust ourselves to have our own backs, it becomes much easier to trust others as well, because you know that you have got you, and the easier it will become to find the courage to open up and let another enter your world. Enter the passage of courage to get to know all there is to know about yourself and others will follow.
Written by
Elizabeth Lund
